I wrote this post a couple days ago and am posting on my brothers birthday. These sweet kiddos each brought me a flower to the beach this weekend. And Charlie Mac really likes chips.

I turned 41 yesterday. It was a beautiful day here in Charleston. A little cloudy. 68 degrees. Perfect backyard fire pit and homemade soup weather.

We got the kids to school and I sat down on the couch with my cup of coffee, ready to watch the Today show.

I thought to myself, “41, not a big year and also how am I 41? That seems old, am I old?”

It occurred to me while contemplating my age that my brother would be turning 40 in a few days.

And grief hit me like it was brand new.

40. My incredibly sweet, wild little brother would be 40 on October 6th. All the years we’ve lost, they years that never were…what would they have been? The loss of what we had and what we didn’t get the chance for is so painful sometimes.

As kids, we celebrated every birthday together. Our birthdays marked the beginning of fall; cooler weather, pumpkins, sweaters. I can picture all our friends and cousins running around our big backyard. I see the white gazebo where my mom had a bowl of popcorn mixed with candycorn – the only party food besides birthday cake. Back when birthday parties were simple and just as fun.

And then I remembered that all of my brothers friends are turning 40 this year and I’m reminded of how grateful I am that he had these people to love and appreciate him when he was here with us. Best friends ever. You know who you are. Y’all keep on being that for one another. You will never regret it.

Last night a few of my own best friends rallied for an after work, school night cook out. Everyone brought some store bought and some homemade food. We forgot birthday cake but one of us had some random cupcakes. We sat around the fire as the kids skated and played football and I tried to soak up every bit of the moment. Every bit of love that this group has for each other- the sweet cards my kids made for me, the efforts my husband put in all weekend, the many messages, the flowers, the ease of which we can all be together and it just feels good. 41 years of more love than a person deserves.

While there won’t be a big party to celebrate my brothers milestone birthday, I’m thankful for every moment I had with him, every moment we all had with him. His life continues to be a gift to us.